Stop 'Avoiding Politics' at the Holiday Table, Says This Expert

In Amira Barger’s family, there are three rules they use to navigate difficult conversations — especially about politics.

The first, Barger said, is, “Who are we going to break bread with?” The second: “Who do we build a boundary with?”

And the third rule: “Who are we burning a bridge with?”

• Jump straight to: This expert’s four tips for bringing politics to your holiday table

Barger, a communications professor at Cal State East Bay, has thought a lot about these questions. But it’s a whole other thing when the talking points and strategy involve your own family. She said that since 2016, elections have created especially tense moments.

“Much of our family, on both sides, voted very differently than my husband and I did, for reasons that we don’t necessarily and personally understand,” she said. “Through years of conversations, we’ve had to make the difficult decision to build boundaries.”

“And in some instances, burn bridges with my father-in-law, my brother, and even my own mother,” she added.

Why tackle difficult conversations head-on?

Barger said this approach is not based on any “arrogance” she has. Rather, it’s an attempt at self-preservation as a former registered Republican who grew up in a deeply conservative environment surrounded by evangelical Christians.

“My current identity, a registered Democrat, is not a result of misunderstanding or elitism,” she said. “For me, it’s a consequence of a profound and personal understanding of a mindset and a life and a set of beliefs that I actually left behind — which is where some of the anger and confusion and hurt comes from with my family.”

The holidays are a time when these kinds of tensions particularly flare. For many, the prospect of navigating political differences with loved ones around the table has become something of a seasonal villain — a buzzkill on a par with the Grinch or Scrooge. (Or the mega-developer who wants to buy out a town’s only holiday shop.)

Since the 2016 presidential election, many news organizations have offered advice to readers on how to gracefully navigate such conversations while minimizing conflict, like CNN’s “How to talk politics at your family holiday meal this year,” NBC’s “How to survive Thanksgiving when politics loom large” or NPR’s “Science-backed tips on how to navigate holiday arguments.” Or, for that matter, KQED’s “How to Handle Hard Conversations With Family This Holiday Season.”

In a recent survey, the American Psychological Association found that nearly 40% of adults reported being stressed by the thought of politics coming up at holiday gatherings. An equal number said they’d rather avoid it altogether.

But Barger argues otherwise. For her, difficult conversations help put families on a path toward growth — and she said those discussions have become more necessary now than ever before.

So, if avoiding conflict isn’t your aim either, here’s how you can brace for potentially awkward, messy conversations like these over the holidays — and how to prepare for the reality that things could get tense:

1. Politics is unavoidable, so plan ahead

In this era of hyper-political polarization, Barger believes that at the core of disagreements among loved ones is a lack of empathy. She said that now, more than ever, the tensions aren’t just differences of political opinion — they’re actually over human rights and values.

“There really is this clash of fundamental principles about people’s humanity that is being attacked. My humanity as a Black woman,” she said. “Or if I look at some of my friends, their humanity or dignity as members of the LGBTQ+ community, as an immigrant family, as someone who is unhoused or underemployed, or someone who is hungry.”

“Our voices and our vote are things that we can control and choices that we can make to protect people around us, based on who’s in power and the policies that are promoted and that are actually passed,” Barger said. “So I think it’s a conversation about values. That’s what’s at stake.”

In short, Barger suggests that people make a plan that recognizes who they’ll engage with — and what their own limits might be.

2. Show up with curiosity and humility

According to Barger, a “real” conversation is partly about growth. But people have to start with an open mind, she said — and be ready to have their perspectives challenged.

Consider these questions:

• Is there something in this world that I am wrong about or halfway right about and need to learn more about?
• What about what I’m hearing from these perspectives around the table might be understandable?

You are encouraged to say “I don’t know” and follow up later, Barger said.

3. Think “yes and ….”

It’s not just a trope of improv and comedy sketches. There’s a reason that “yes and” has become a mainstay of corporate ice-breakers and summer camp circuits.

Common ground can help create understanding, Barger said, “because that helps people to build trust with one another and to strengthen connection.”

“There are some things that we agree on. We may not agree on the solutions to those things, but maybe we agree on what the challenge or the problem is,” she said.

4. If all else fails, hit the reset button

Barger said if conversations escalate, people should take a verbal pause — or a physical one. In the past, she said she’s gone for a walk around the block or pivoted the conversation to innocuous topics like upcoming travel plans.

“That’s about building a boundary,” Barger said. “Boundaries aren’t about controlling others.”

“They’re about honoring your well-being and your values and what’s important to you.”

KQED’s Brian Watt contributed to this report.